Celebrity Deathmatch

Written by Zelda

 

(Author’s note: This little story features a special appearance by two NHL greats, Tie Domi and Jeff Beukeboom. Even though they’re portrayed here as pretty mean guys, I don’t mean to use this story as a personal attack on them, or their role on their hockey teams. Goodness knows they’re needed at times, and the real life Mighty Ducks have had their share of proud enforcers over the years. Here’s to you, boys!)

 

                Whatever you do, don't try this at home. Celebrity Deathmatch and all characters non-Duck and non-hockey player are property of the show and MTV. All plots are entirely fictional. Any resemblance in this story to real people and/or places is entirely coincidental. ANYWAY... IT'S JUST CLAY!

 

The fans roared as the lights went up inside the blackened, dome-shaped stadium. They waved their hands in a frenzy.

                "Welcome back Deathmatch fans! I'm Nick Diamond."

                "And I'm Johnny Gomez."

                "Whoa... and I can't imagine how we could have a more pumped up crowd tonight!"

                "Well it seems only logical Nick, our main bout tonight features two of the most heavy-hitting hitmen in the history of the National Hockey League, and they're ready to raise a little Hell tonight in front of our cameras!" The fans roared again in the background.

                "Since this little script was written for the fancy of Mighty Ducks fans only, we've decided to forgo the two undercard bouts, and get right to the main bloodshed." Nick nodded. "But first, let's check the stats on tonight's fighters!"

                "First we have the biggest, toughest defenseman in the league, Grin. A right defenseman for the Mighty Ducks, Grin weighs a hefty 350 pounds, 7 feet tall."

                "Jezz Johnny!" Nick exclaimed. "He's like a rhino with feathers!"

                "But let's not forget about his opponent, mean man Tie Domi. Playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs, Tie has a history of winning gutsy fights and taking out the NHL's toughest, and he's been doing so longer than Grin's been on this planet!"

                "Surely these two seem pretty evenly matched Johnny, let's go down to our lovely Stacy Cornbred in the locker room, to find out more!"

 

                "Stacy Cornbred here Nick, and I'm speaking with Grin, the number one defenseman in the league! Mr. Grin, how do you feel about beating the living internal organs out of Tie Domi tonight?"

                "Ms. Cornbred, I hope violence will be a last resort tonight for me." Stacy was taken aback as Grin bowed before her.

                "Mr. Grin... excuse me but you know you're on Celebrity Deathmatch don't you? Why did you and Tie come here if it wasn't to fight?"

                "Tie Domi challenged me to a fight during the last hockey game where our teams faced each other. I have no intention of hurting a fellow player, so I refused him on the ice. I wanted him to cool his nerves, to get back in touch with his inner "Tie Domi-ness" and wait for tonight."

                "And?"

                "It is my hope that he will realize peace is the way. Perhaps we can play a game of chess to settle this." Grin nodded solemnly.

                "...Well... that is some ambition Mr. Grin.... let's go over to Tie's side of the locker room and see how he's getting ready..." Stacy walked out of a gray door and into another locker room, where Tie sat at a plain wooden table with a napkin tied around his neck, tearing at a piece of raw meat like a dog. "I hope I'm not interrupting you Mr. Domi...." Stacy called as she stepped in. Tie snapped to and stood up.

                "Not at all Stacy... I was just getting ready to pound the living CRAP out of that 7-foot weakling in the next room, that's all."

                "Now Tie, I was just talking with Grin. He says that he hopes you can both work this out peacefully....."

                "Peacefully? Did his brain get zapped when he came to this planet, or was he just born out of a cracked egg? I dunno where he's coming from, but this is the NHL. The toughest are the best, and I'm gonna nail him one so hard it'll send him flying back to his home planet tonight."

                "Well there you have it, back to you Nick and Johnny."

               

                "Thanks Stacy." Johnny called after a fading screenshot.

                "Well, it appears our opponents aren't so 'even' after all!" Nick exclaimed.

                "Who will be the winner in tonight's fight?" Johnny asked. "Find out, after these messages."

 

                Zelda shifted uneasily, her tail sliding back through the space in her metal folding chair.

                "Can you still believe Grin agreed to do this?" Nosedive was muffled by a mouthful of popcorn.

                "I don't like this." Wildwing rubbed his bill. "This crowd is full of.... weirdos. I've seen other fights on this show, things can get ugly."

                "Are you kidding?" Nosedive swallowed. "Grin's the closest thing to immortal that I've ever seen, that Domi loser dosen't stand a chance!"

                "Hehe, I agree." Mallory leaned over. "He'll run away with his tail between his legs as soon as Grin smacks some sense into him." Suddenly, the lights over the rink flashed brightly on. The crowd roared, holding up signs and throwing up their hands.

                "It's showtime!" Nosedive showered his teammates with popcorn.

 

                "In the red corner, the best defenseman in the NHL, the big-billed heavy hitter... GRIN!" The crowd cheered. "And in the blue corner, fresh out of Toronto, over 500 games of fighting mayhem under his belt and he's got the scars to show for it.... TIE DOMI!" The crowd roared again.

                "Okay punks, middle of the ring!" Mills Lane commanded. "Look you two, get it through your thick skulls. I want a good clean fight, no petty stuff. Only one comes out of this fight standing. Any questions?"

                "May I have a few minutes to meditate?" Grin asked. Lane rolled his eyes.

                "LET'S GET IT ON!" The crowd roared again. Grin and Tie backed off from each other a bit, circling, sizing each other up.

                "Yeah, I've wanted to get a piece of you for a long time punk!" Tie yelled at him.

                "Bring it on." Grin snapped.

                "Whoa!" Johnny started. "Tie Domi starts the charge, takes a swat at Grin and misses by a longshot! He's hanging on the ropes now... it looks like the both of them are just waiting for the other to make his move."

                "Perhaps they're just not used to fighting in a boxing ring." Nick joked.

                "And here comes Tie again!" Tie sprung off the ropes and landed a solid punch right to Grin's gut. The Duck flinched. Tie retreated to a corner, surprised at how little effect his punch had. "Looks like he's in shock! Grin took that hit like Tie's fist brushed up against him!"

                "But it looks like Grin's finally starting to get mad..." Nick started.

                "Tie comes out of his corner again!" Johnny started. "Ohh he takes a crack right at Grin's head and nails him! But Grin shakes it off again! I don't know how much more of this he can take without his helmet on." Tie backed away again, frustrated.

                "What is wrong with you?" he yelled.

                "I don't want to hurt you Tie. We're both hockey players.... I know you'd hate to be benched for a few games because of an injury..."

                "You're crazy." Tie shook his head. "The only one who's gonna be sitting on the bench is you!"

                "And Tie is suddenly gesturing to the crowd! I don't know what he's doing...." Johnny started. "It looks like he's got some die-hard Maple Leafs fans in the audience there.... and they're throwing him a hockey stick!"

                "NO WAY!" Mallory yelled. "Somebody find those punks, that's not allowed!" Tie grinned as he picked the stick up.

                "Tie takes a crack at Grin's head! I don't believe it!" Grin stumbled back from the blow and hung awkwardly against the ropes, stunned.

                "Is Grin just going to stand there?" Nick marveled. "That shot to the head can't be comfy."

                "And the fans are now throwing pucks onto the ring!" Johnny broke in. Tie snapped the pucks at Grin, some hitting him, some hitting audience members. "Will this carnage never end?"

                "Come on Grinster! What are you standing there for?" Nosedive was on his feet. "Beat the CRAP out of him!" The rest of the Ducks gasped.

                "This ain't no Disney show." Zelda reminded them.

Grin shook his head to clear it, and bounded off the ropes, stopping right in front of Tie Domi, towering over the tired figure.

                "So you wanna mix it up eh?" Tie snarled up at him. Grin frowned down, raised his arm, and klunked Tie on top of the head.

                "Oh my God!" Johnny gave his characteristic reaction. "It looks like Tie simply can't handle the shot Grin just gave him!" Tie wavered, his tongue hanging stupidly from his mouth, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Grin puffed on him, and Tie collapsed on the ground. The crowd cheered.

                "I don't believe it! Grin defeated one of the most notorious fighters in the league with a single knock on the head!"

                "Quite an ironic end to this fight." Nick agreed, as Mills Lane raised Grin's arm up. Grin smiled and rubbed the side of his head gingerly.

                "Yeah baby!" Nosedive cheered. "Can't nobody beat us!" Suddenly, Grin perked up as if sparked by an idea. He reached up and grabbed a microphone that hung down from the ceiling over the ring.

                "Look. I'm sick and tired of everyone challenging me to fights because I happen to be big and tough. Fighting's not part of the game of hockey. I'm no goon, and it's not good karma to have one anywhere in the league. So if anyone else wants to try me, I say we get it over with now, so I don't have to be bothered with it on the ice!" The crowd roared again.

                "Quite an unexpected challenge Nick."

                "That's right Johnny, we know a lot of hockey players are here to watch the fight tonight, but after a defeat like the one Tie took, I'm not sure if even hockey players have the guts to take Grin up." Grin stood around for a few moments, the arena buzzing.

                "I see hockey is a much more noble sport on this planet than I had determined at first." Grin folded his arms and smiled. Suddenly, something struck him hard on the back of the head, sending him tumbling to the ground.

                "Oh my God!" Johnny repeated again. "Who is that?" A shadowy figure leapt from the ropes and down into the ring, right on top of the fallen Grin's back.

                "From the looks of his jersey, that guy's wearing Ranger blue!" Nick began. The lights flashed again as the man threw a metal chair from the ring to the floor. "I was right! Johnny, that's Jeff Beukeboom, quite possibly the best fighter in the league after Tie Domi."

                "And he may be standing up for his fallen comrade or just wanting to take Grin down for his own pride, but Jeff has just given Grin a clean knock into next week!"

                "Get up you freak!" Beukeboom snarled. Grin groaned and raised himself on his elbows, shaking slightly from the blow. "I said get up! Are you deaf now too?" Jeff teased. He lost his patience and kicked Grin hard in the stomach. Grin flopped over. The Ducks in the seats near him were on their feet and shouting. In fact, the whole crowd was mirroring them. Grin slowly rolled up, leaning heavily on the ropes.

                "Long time no see Duck." Jeff spat at him. "You gave Domi a good whack. Think you can put that one over on a Ranger?" Grin stood up and readied himself for a good fight. Suddenly Beukeboom lunged for him.

                "And these two have gotten into some kind of an armlock... it seems they wanna duke this one out in the classic hockey style of things." Nick noted. "They both have each other's arms in a bind, all they can do is glare at each other!"

                "It seems Grin has certainly lost some of his steam, a simple head-butt would take Jeff out now. But maybe that shot Jeff gave him is giving Grin some problems." Grin snarled, gripping the loose elbows of Jeff's Rangers jersey. Beukeboom suddenly twisted to the side, wresting his right arm free.

                "One, two, three good solid rights to Grin's jaw...er... beak!" Nick yelled. "Very good style, Jeff slipped those punches in before Grin could grab his arm again." Jeff slipped another arm free and landed a left right near Grin's eye, disorienting the big Duck. Now his teammates were starting to get really mad. Some Ducks fans started throwing trash at Jeff. Grin suddenly pushed himself off of the ropes and let go of Beukeboom, shoving him to the mat. Jeff stood up quickly.

                "This ends now." Grin snarled. He grabbed Jeff's arm and lifted him clean into the air, Jeff squirming.

                "I'm afraid of heights!" he wailed. Grin grabbed Jeff's leg, and suddenly twisted it!

                "Ow!" Johnny noted. "That can't be good for the joints!" Grin grabbed another leg and bent Jeff like a pretzel.

                "Are those the kind of stretches they do in the locker room?" Nick asked. Grin threw the knotted Jeff onto the mat, and suddenly jumped high in the air, squashing the Ranger under his two boots with a solid squish. The noise reverberated through the arena, the bloodthirsty fans trilling at the sound. Grin stepped off of Jeff with disdain.

                "And what do you know, Grin's smooshed Jeff into a hockey puck!"

                "It is just clay." Zelda grinned approvingly. Grin stalked over to the other side of the ring and grabbed Tie Domi's hockey stick. He raised it high and gave Jeff a mighty slapshot, sending him bouncing all over the arena before he landed on the light rigging with a SPLAT! The crowd screamed. Mills Lane reentered the ring through all the chaos, and raised Grin's arm high in the air.

                "Well fans, an unusual ending to an unusual fight. It seems Grin really is the toughest in the NHL, even though he doesn't want to be!" Johnny noted. Nick shook his head with a smile.

                "And you know this is just the kind of mayhem you can expect next week, from CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!"

 

The End

 

                Mighty Ducks-The Animated Series, including all logos and characters (except mine) are copyright and property of Disney. You may copy, print, or whatever with this document, so long as it is not altered and I (Zelda) am credited. Thanks!